Unable to move on
by EmmaShalforever
Summary: Shalimar can't move on after Emma's death. Sort of The L Word crossover.
1. The beginning

AN: Basically I'm writing this story because 'Over it' asked if I had some new Emma/Shal stories and for a while I didn't really have any new ideas, but this popped into my head and I decided to write it now instead of later because you wanted something new from me. So it's not exactly Shal and Emma, but it's all in the memory of Emma if you get what I mean? Hope you'll like it…

I guess you could call this a crossover with The L Word because I'm using Lara, but it won't include any of the other characters. In fact, I just took Lara from it and in this story the others don't exist. Hope you'll enjoy…and as always, I love reviews ;-)

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Shalimar didn't know why she was here, in LA of all places, but she had needed to get away from Sanctuary. Away from the concerned and knowing look of Jesse and the constantly flirting and unknowing looks of Brennan. She needed a break from it, she had to get away.

Emma had been dead for almost a year and Lexa had replaced her. Everyone had mourned over Emma's death for a month or so and then things had gone back to normal. For some at least. Jesse had been developing feelings for Lexa and Brennan had gone back to flirting with Shalimar. But while they were fine, Shalimar wasn't. She had always found it amusing when she and Brennan flirted as long as Emma was there, knowing she could cuddle up next to her whenever she needed to. But Emma's death had brought her a painful revelation. She didn't want Brennan, she wanted Emma. The soft caresses and the soothing words the psionic could provide was what she needed and she regretted not realizing it sooner. She should have known the first time when she thought Emma was gone because of Caleb, but she had pushed the tight grip around her chest and her breaking heart aside thinking it was just because the younger woman was her best friend and because she had failed her. But when she looked back it had all been so obvious. Thinking about it, she realized Emma must have understood it too because after that night the closeness between them increased. The subtle touches that lingered longer than they should, the sly smiles and the electricity in the room when they were alone; it was all so painfully obvious now. And just the thought of it even one year later made her chest tighten as if she couldn't breathe properly.

And Jesse knew. At least it seemed like he knew because he would occasionally shoot Brennan a warning look if he noticed the feral was in a particularly bad mood. He understood that the blonde was still mourning and was getting tired of the elementals pushing and obliviousness. One time she had even overheard Jesse telling him to back off a little and it had started a fight because Brennan thought Jesse wanted her for himself. Shalimar felt sorry for the molecular, but also thankful because he truly was the brother she had always thought of him as. He looked after her as best as he could even though it meant he's friendship with Brennan would be hurt or maybe even broken.

----

The past weeks had been extremely awkward and uncomfortable for the feral. Brennan and Jesse's friendship was very spent and Jesse had been busy with Lexa. Brennan however had been even pushier than normally by always finding reasons to touch her and clearly checking her out at any occasion. Shalimar had started avoiding him more and more because she felt uncomfortable with it and he had just kept following her. At one time he had even asked her out. She had politely said no, but Brennan had kept insisting that they had something and had tried to rub her arm soothingly and flirtingly. She had lost it and pushed him hardly into the wall, her eyes flashing furiously at him because he had tried to do the same thing as Emma always did with her and she felt it like an intrusion in her privacy and in the memory of Emma.

After that Brennan had left her alone for a few days, but had quickly went back to flirting and touching.

One day Shalimar simply couldn't take it anymore and in fear of hurting the elemental she had packed a bag with clothes, money and memories of Emma and left. She didn't even leave a note because it wasn't her thing and because she didn't know what to say. All she knew was that she didn't wanna be found until she was ready.

----

And now she was here, in Los Angeles, just walking around. She was grateful she had enough money so that she didn't need to start working for at least a month or more if she was careful and didn't waste the money.

So she walked along anywhere she felt like and stayed at cheap motels at night.

----

Today it was a sunny day with no clouds in sight and she looked at all the people she passed as she walked aimlessly around.

How she wished she could just be normal so she wouldn't have to feel like she did now.

Sighing she walked into the first café/diner she saw and sat down with her back against the window.

It didn't take long before a waitress came over, asking what she wanted. She ordered a simple salad and was left alone to stare around the room.

Her eyes stopped at two doors that led to the kitchen.

As the doors opened Shalimar felt her heart beat faster.

It couldn't be. Before the doors closed again, she got a glimpse of a young woman with red hair. 'I must have gone crazy' she thought as she continued staring at the doors. A little later they opened again and she got a second glimpse at the woman. The feral couldn't believe what she was seeing. She had to know who it was, take a closer look to make sure she hadn't lost her mind.

In a daze she walked over to the disk and was met by a young man with a fake, extremely irritating smile.

"Can I help you?"

"Yes, I was hoping I could talk to one of the chefs, a young woman with red hair?"

"Is there something wrong?"

"No, but I need to speak to her please."

"I'll ask her if she's available."

The annoying guy disappeared and Shalimar was left tapping her foot impatiently and nervously.

A moment later the doors reopened and the man stepped out with the red head following.

The guy pointed at Shalimar and the woman walked over. Shalimar followed and studied her every move with her eyes.

"Can I help you?" the red head asked and the blonde had to force back a gasp at the soft voice that was exactly the same as the psionic's.

Shalimar just stared at her in shock and the younger woman shifted slightly uncomfortably.

"Miss, you wanted to talk to me."

The feral shook her head and opened her mouth only one word coming out. "Emma!"


	2. Nervous?

"Sorry?"

"It's really you," Shalimar said excited.

"Um, I think you've got the wrong woman. My name is Lara."

"You can't be, you look exactly the same. You talk the same." The feral took a deep breath. "You even smell the same."

Lara looked strangely at her and Shalimar quickly tried to cover up.

"I mean, you don't smell, it's your scent…kinda," she said nervously. What the hell was going on here? Had Emma lost her memory?

The feral shook her head as if to clear her thoughts.

"I'm sorry. I just thought you were someone I hadn't seen in a long time."

"It's okay. We all have a moment like that in our lives," Lara assured, smiling at the stunning woman in front of her.

"I'm Shalimar Fox, but just call me Shal if you want to." The blonde said and extended her hand.

"Lara Perkins."

"It's nice to meet you," the feral said grinning.

For a moment they locked eyes and just stared at each other. They were interrupted though by the annoying guy from earlier.

"Lara, they need you in the kitchen, stop flirting."

The red head blushed. "I have to go."

"Maybe I'll see you again?" Shalimar asked with hope.

"Maybe," Lara replied before walking away.

Looking over at the irritating man, Shalimar saw him smirking to himself and she wanted to wipe the perverted smile of his face more than anything. She settled with flashing her eyes at him and smirked as he stepped back in shock, his eyes wide open. Then she turned and strode off towards the exit.

----

The next day Shalimar walked into the same diner and sat down even closer to the kitchen than the day before. As the door opened she tried to look for the red head, but was disappointed when she didn't see her. She smiled however when she picked up Emma's scent. Or was it Lara now, she wasn't sure. She felt how the younger woman was moving in from behind her and laughed inwardly. When the red head was a few metres away she spoke. It's nice to see you again, Lara." She slightly turned her head and saw the surprised expression the other woman wore.

"How did you know I was coming?"

"I smelled you," the feral answered as if it should explain everything, but she only got a strange look from the younger woman.

"I was kidding, I could see your reflection in the glass," Shalimar quickly covered up as she gestured towards the kitchen doors nervously.

Lara laughed before sitting down next to the blonde. The beautiful woman in front of her wasn't like most people and she wanted to get to know her. It was just something about her that pulled the red head towards her and it wasn't just her beauty.

"So you came back," Lara said with a smile.

"Well, you did an impression."

"So did you."

Shalimar's cheeks turned light red. "I'm sorry about that," she replied in embarrassment.

"It's fine really. I thought you were cute."

"Not exactly the first impression I wanted to make, but I guess it's better than dumb."

Lara laughed. "And you're funny."

Shalimar felt her heart beat faster at this. "A very close friend of mine used to say that."

"And you don't agree?"

"Let's just say that most of those who have met me would rather call me dangerous or crazy."

"They must have met you on a bad day then."

"You don't even know me. Aren't you scared or at least uncomfortable when I say that?"

"Not really."

"Why not?"

"I don't know, I just feel comfortable with you."

Lara looked at her watch and then over to the kitchen doors.

"I should probably go, but if you want we could get a drink or have dinner or something tonight?"

"Sure, that would be great," Shalimar answered, wondering if she should ask if it was a date or just a friendly occasion.

"Great, here's my number," the red head said as she got a pen and wrote her number on a napkin.

The feral noticed that the woman's hands were slightly shaking and she easily picked up her nervousness. Definitely a date, she thought to herself.

When Lara passed her the napkin Shalimar smiled at her. "I'll call you," she said before standing up. Lara stood up too.

"Okay, I'll talk to you later?"

"Count on it." The blonde replied, grinning.

-----

Walking into a phone booth, Shalimar took of the hook and called Lara's number.

"Hello?"

"Hi, it's Shalimar."

"Hey."

"When and where do you wanna meet?"

"Does eight sound good?"

"Sounds great. Are we eating?"

"If you want to."

"I do."

"Okay, why don't you meet me at-"

"Wait," Shalimar quickly interrupted.

"What?"

"I don't really know where anything is in this town, I'm kinda new."

"Oh, well why don't you meet me outside the restaurant I work at and we can walk to the place we're eating at?"

"Okay. When do I need to be there?"

"How about 7.30?"

"Perfect, I'll be there."

"Okay, I'll see you then."

"Yeah, bye," the feral said as she hung up and let out a relieved sigh. Why the heck was she feeling so nervous?

-----

Shalimar shifted nervously as she stood outside Lara's working place waiting for the red head to show up. She had been early, afraid she might be too late. She hadn't put on anything spectacular since they were walking outside, just some tight pants and a simple top that was cut low. She smiled as Emma's scent…Lara's scent reached her even before she could see her.

She smiled brightly as the red head came into view and felt her nervousness slip away when she was met by an equally bright smile from the younger woman. Oh, definitely a date all right.

"Hi," Lara said nervously when she reached the blonde.

"Ready to go?" Shalimar asked, her smile never leaving her face.

"Sure am," the red head replied, amazed at how even the older woman's beautiful brown eyes seemed to be smiling at her, glinting in the slowly growing dark.


	3. Memories and confusion

**Billy: You're gonna have to wait and see. I can't reveal everything you know :-P Where's the fun in that?**

**Over it: Thank you so much. You always compliment me and it truly makes me feel more secure about my writing. You're one of the reasons I want to keep writing ;-)**

**Don't worry, you're a reason too Billy :-)**

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Shalimar studied Lara closely as she ate. She really had trouble grasping this whole thing. Lara looked as Emma, talked as Emma, smelled as Emma. It was all the details that freaked her out. They way the red head held her fork and knife the same way Emma did, how she got that mischievous glint in her eyes when she was joking or flirting. The way she walked, the slight sway of her hips showing she was confident and flirtatious even though she pretended to be innocent…It was all Emma down to the tiniest detail. Well, she hadn't actually seen Lara naked, but everything other than that matched perfectly.

Maybe Eckhart had gotten her and experimented and now she couldn't remember anything?

As the night progressed and Shalimar got Lara to talk about her family though, she doubted it. It really seemed like Lara was Lara and not Emma. But she had to be. She could have been implanted with fake memories? That had to be it. Maybe she should contact Jesse and hear what he had to say about this? No, that would mean she had to say where she was and then Brennan would come. And it wasn't like she was having a bad time with Lara so she should probably try to sort things out by herself. After all, when had she ever needed anyone to take care of her? Except from when she met Emma. Then she had suddenly wanted to need all the help in the world. And she felt exactly the same way about Lara.

"Hey, are you with me?" the red head asked as she saw the blonde apparently deep in thought.

"Yeah, sorry. I got lost in old memories there for a second. I'm sorry Lara, continue."

It was so strange to call her Lara when she wanted to say Emma all the time. She would probably just have to get used to it as she didn't plan on going somewhere for a long time.

"I'm not boring you am I?"

"No, no, that's not why I spaced out. It was just something you said I guess. Trust me, I'm enjoying myself and I'm really interested in you."

"Really. Well, what is it that's so interesting about me?" Lara said with a mischievous and flirtatious smile.

"Everything," the feral replied with a sly smile as she leaned closer over the table. This was something she had done with Emma often.

"The way you talk, your history, the way you move." Shalimar smirked to herself before continuing. "I love the way your hips move, the way your curves are formed. You're so hot and I want to get to know every little bit of you," the blonde said slowly and seductively. As soon as she said it, she could see the heat rising in the red heads cheeks and she leaned back again. Exactly the same reaction as Emma gave her. It had to be her, she just had to figure out what had happened and how to fix it. For the moment she would just try to enjoy it and get to know Lara better. Who knew, maybe time was the thing needed for Lara to go back to her old self?

Silence fell between the two as Shalimar stared at Lara who was still blushing, clearly caught off guard. After some time, the red head cleared her throat.

"Well, why don't you tell me about your history?"

"It's a complicated one," the blonde replied shortly.

"I want to know."

"Well, my parents sent me to a psychiatric institution when I was ten where the doctors beat me because there apparently was something wrong with me. I managed to run away after a while and I met this really nice man, a scientist that took care of me. He disappeared last year and now I'm here."

"I'm sorry."

"It's not like we can change the past anyway. And as you can see I'm still alive and fully able to kick."

Lara laughed lightly. The blonde truly was an amazing woman. At the person that sat before her now she definitely wouldn't have thought she would have that kind of background, such a sad childhood. And yet this really beautiful woman was sitting before her.

"What do you say we go to my place and get some wine or something?" the red head suddenly said.

The feral looked at her for a moment before nodding with a smile.

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Lara fidgeted slightly with her keys before finding the right one and putting it into the lock.

Behind her Shalimar was shifting her weight from one foot to another in a nervous manner.

"So can I get you coffee or anything? Wine?" Lara asked when they were inside.

"Sure, coffee sounds good," the feral replied with a smile.

The red head walked away.

"Do you want me to help with anything?" Shalimar asked as she came up beside the other woman.

"No it's okay," Lara replied with a smile as their eyes connected. Feeling that the gaze was too intense, the feral looked away shyly and her eyes fell on the red head's hands. She noticed they were slightly shaking and automatically she put her own hand on top of it.

"You okay?" she asked softly.

The younger woman looked into the blonde's eyes.

"I'm great," she replied in barely a whisper before she leaned forward. It was a risky move, but she had wanted to feel and taste those lips all evening and if she didn't she felt she would go insane.

Lara was half surprised when she felt Shalimar answer the kiss back. It was a slow kiss, just testing the waters. Lips moving slowly and softly over lips. Carefully the red head opened her mouth more as a sign to the feral. The blonde understood perfectly and quickly opened her own mouth. Both woman had to suppress a gasp as their tongues met, tasting each other for the first time. Both women pulled away simultaneously for air, both breathing heavily.

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Dun dun. So does anyone have any idea of what's gonna happen next? Oh right, I do. Tihi, ya'll gonna have to wait and see. Please review so you can tell me if it sucked or something.


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